ACTING OUT SEXUALLY AS A MALE SURVIVOR
Acting out sexually with another man, or even woman, is not only a drain on your personal thoughts and feeeling, but is also a drain on your emotional and physical needs. It can cause you to switch off, act out of character and often act out the sexual abuse roles that you were forced or made to do.
That is not healthy and surely you deserve to treat yourself better than that? The answer is YES, by the way.
All of this takes many routes, such as acting out online, using webcams or chat, meeting strangers at parks or laybys for random, abusive sex, or living a double life, but in all respects, it leaves you acting out the abuse you suffered, yet you still find it difficult to find an answer to the problems that drive you to do what you do.
All of the above causes you more personal pain, makes you feel more isolated and makes you feel even worse, and so the abusive cycle continues!
Although not often recognised, acting out sexually for male survivors is a common theme, and that can include having random multiple sexual partners, with either men or women, and often both. This occurs when in a relationship or marriage and often occurs when stress overcomes the survivor.
To fit into society you have to pretend to be 'normal' yet if you have concerns or doubts about your sexuality, it could cause you to act out sexually with men, more often than not repeating some or all of what was done to you as a child, that can cause you emotional problems, sexual problems and lead you to cause more damage to yourself in the process.
Try and avoid labelling yourself as either gay or bisexual or confused, because that won't help you come to terms with what has happened to you and what you are doing when feeling sexual. And if you do act out, please try and be gentle on yourself afterwards, as harsh judgements will make you feel even worse.
Male survivors often say that they were to blame for what happened to them, that they went back for more, they failed so to say no, they enjoyed the touch/sensations, and yet they eventually see that no matter what, they are not to blame to what happened to them or for what was done to them, and that they can make changes and overcome the past, if they choose to do so.
The primary cause of this confusion and acting out comes from the forms of abuse done to you, yet you grow up thinking that you are the one that is dirty, confused, maybe think you're gay, or even worse, have issues with your gender identification. (See below for more on that issue)
It is only when survivors start to analyse their previous or current sexual behaviours, that they see there is still a form of abuse linked to their mistaken behaviours, which often leaves them feeling less part of the world and more isolated.
Some real life scenarios for you to consider: (permission granted to share two of the stories)
One male, acting out sexually with other men, yet defined himself as straight and 'normal', but when questioned about what types of abuse took place when he was a child, he recalled that it was the same sexual acts he was carrying with men. That was a real shock to him, as he had never seen the connection before and realised that it was not him, but the abuse that caused him to do what he did.
The realisation made him physically sick, in that he threw up, and the whole issue repulsed him that he was acting out that way and since he started working on the issues he has remained free from the past and remains straight and 'normal'
Another male, who masturbated 10-15 times a day, every day, in very unsafe situations and places, yet failed to see the connection between what was done to him and how that affected him as an adult. He is a married man, with a sex life that was being badly affected by his behaviours and until he addressed those issues, he was close to losing his wife, who wasn't able to understand what drove him to do these things
Sadly another male, who acted out sexually with countless females, yet never felt complete as a male, said he never felt loved or wanted, yet never allowed anyone to get close to him so avoided relationships at all costs, until he became severely ill and died, alone. That was a tragic waste of life.
CONFUSED BY YOUR SEXUALITY AND GENDER
When sexually abused as a child, there can be issues left that confuse you as to who you are and what you should be, sexually.
Consider this, if you were raped and abused, and in the process you were told or made to act out as if you were female, that alone would leave behind thoughts and feelings that will continue to haunt you, confuse you and even make you act out sexually.
Even more damage is done if the abuse continues over a period of time and te abuser continues to call you names and demands that you act or respond as a female.
More often than not, this is done to equate the abuse carried and to minimise the abuse, and is just another sick way that abusers carry out the abuse, under the impression that it does no harm.
Some, but not all men who have gone down the gender role assignment, have also suffered sexual abuse as a child or teenager, and that alone can confuse them enough more, because they are left feeling less of a man, whatever that is supposed to be, and therefore feel that they should be female, and in effect, passive in all ways.
I have been given permission to share one man's experience, which he suffered as a young child, in the hope that it helps you understand and appreciate the complexities that sexual abuse and rape can have upon some men
Aged just six years old, 'Tom' was raped and abused, whilst made to wear to female attire and during the abuse, was called by a female name, and told/made to act feminine. Photographs, wearing female attire, were taken of him.
Over the years, those effects made 'Tom' question his sexuality, his sexual identify and his confusion as to what was done to him as a child.
As he grew up, he was left thinking that as he failed to fit into what he saw as the normal world, that it meant he was female, and as he grew up, questioned his whole life. As he grew up, he questioned where he should have a sex change, whether he was gay, or that he should kill himself, which he thankfully failed at, and eventually went on to marry and have three children, yet he was still haunted by the past, and continued to use alcohol and drugs to mask the pain.
In order to gain some control over that, he started acted out sexually using a online persona, that allowed him to gain some control over the abuse he suffered. He kept that secret for many years and in the process, became very confused as to who he was and what he was supposed to be.
Western society states that he be a red blooded male and a sexual conqueror, but the remnants of the abuse confused and scared him enough to make him retreat in a fantasy world , where no one could hurt or abuse him, apart from the damage that he was causing himself.
Other damage that is caused is if the abuse was done in silence, and then you were told you were bad, or dirty, and that can impact upon your daily thoughts and life and cause you to doubt who you are, which makes you struggle daily, yet all the abuse, and pain that came with it belongs to the people who hurt and abused you, so break that silence and gain the power back, as it was NOT your fault.